


Words between romance

by knoxdalton



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Charlie Dalton, Strangers to Lovers, Transphobia, Tutoring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:21:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29286720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxdalton/pseuds/knoxdalton
Summary: Charlie Dalton is very much in love with books. There's no surprise that they can pour the passion onto the others. Reading doesn't mean being uncool, right?
Relationships: Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry (background)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw // alcohol use, transphobic language (and opinions)  
> please don't read if anything from above triggers you! 
> 
> Charlie uses they/them pronouns!

THE Welton University isn’t placed in the strict ‘TOP50’ of the worldwide universities, but it has its supporters. It is known for good job opportunities after graduating, but also some awful teachers. Besides, the campus is very pretty, looking old and aristocratic and the dorms are, at least, usable. Winters are breathtaking, though. The campus surrounds the medium-sized lake, which is frozen in low temperatures, is outstanding in its peacefulness. It’s located next to a very populated city and has a lot of in-country students. 

Charlie Dalton, the golden student of the first year, isn’t an exception. They had always lived with mom and two sisters in the suburbs. Natural choice had been the University that didn’t lay far away from the beloved family. It is the only thing about Charlie that isn’t extraordinary. They have the looks – very charming smile, tender sharp jawline, prominent cheeks, firm stance and soft, brown hair. Their nose is perfectly shaped, as if it was chiseled in a stone. The appearance easily equals personality. Oh, they do have the personality. Charlie is the real life of the party. They are always the center of attention, and, indeed, they love it. Other words could be used to describe them: kind, polite, respectful. 

Now, as the second term starts, Charlie sits inside the classroom. It’s freezingly cold outside; the winter break just ended. The long windows are foggy from temperature change. It has been snowing the whole morning, the students are sitting clothed in sweaters and jackets, sipping warm drinks. Charlie, as usual, is placed in the second row, already with a few people around them. The group chats a bit, but Charlie isn't a fan of the morning conversation – they’d very much prefer staying in the bed at least an hour more. 

They blink, sleepily. 

“Charlie,” the firm Professor’s voice approached the person from behind. 

“Yes, Mr. Keating,” Charlie smiles lightly. Tiny dimples are showing. 

The attention of the group around them is focused on the conversation. It isn’t anything new that professors talk to Charlie before the lectures. Mr. Keating, especially. They are his favorite student for being such open-minded person. Charlie was the first one to tear out the ‘useless’ and ‘misleading’ page from the textbook; it was what brought the Professor to them. The class is Charlie’s favorite. Mr. Keating is known for being a passionate teacher who takes his job seriously. His lectures are always full of students who truly enjoy the curriculum. 

“I want to ask you for a favor,” the man leans a bit on the desk a bit. He’s the youngest professor, so he can allow himself to do such. “There’s a student. I want you to tutor him.”

“Emm.. I don’t see how it’d be possible, sir,” they state, firmly. “You can’t learn how to interpret; you have to feel it.”

“You’re wrong, Dalton,” he laughs a bit, tucking the warm scarf tighter around his neck. “Everyone can interpret, you just need to help them feel it. I know you are an outstanding student. Of course, you’ll be awarded with the extra credit.” 

As if the extra credit was necessary for them. Charlie raises one of their eyebrows in confusion, but nods. Mr. Keating looks very pleased as he approaches the professor's wooden desk, starting the lecture. The group of people next to them is silent, besides one boy. Steven Meeks, the closest friend of Charlie, is an eccentric redhead with a face full of freckles and gently smiles. “Who do you think you’ll tutor?”, he asks in the middle of the lecture. Charlie shoves him off, but inside, they’re very curious, too.

A funny feeling spreads in their stomach in excitement, as the class ends. They wait for Mr. Keating next to the professor’s desk, promising to catch up with Steven during the lunch break. 

“Okay, student Dalton,” he says, looking at his clock. “He should be here in five minutes.”

The topic changes. Charlie leans back on the desk, smiling widely as Mr. Keating is explaining the meaning of one poem. They love how the Professor approaches topics, inspired by the private lecture, their cheeks become slightly pink in enthusiasm. Charlie isn’t sure if it is completely caused by the poem; the curiosity about the newcomer also has its shares in it. 

The conversation is in its full when the big classroom doors open. There he’s. The boy looks a little bit older than Charlie. He has darker hair, lovely thick eyebrows, long face and swooning brownish eyes. He’s dressed appropriately to the weather but doesn’t have any bag with himself. There’s no smile on his face; Charlie quickly drops theirs so they don’t seem like a weirdo. 

“Good morning, Mr. Keating,” he says, reaching the desk, completely ignoring the other. “You asked me to come.”

“Yes, lovely, okay,” excitement speaks up from the Professor. “Charlie, meet Knox. Knox, meet Charlie.”

‘Hmm, Knox...,’ they think, frowning eyebrows. Charlie gets the courage to meet the boy’s swooning eyes, looking deeply inside. However, they can’t hold eye contact. It’s very strange – they had never been intimidated by someone. Now, they stand, feet frozen to the ground, a little less firm. 

“Huh?” Knox says, confused. 

“I asked Charlie to tutor you, if you wish to pass the semester.”

They blush, more than one would describe ‘a bit’. 

“I think we decided that I’m the lost case,” the boy still doesn’t look at Charlie. 

“No one’s the lost case,” Mr. Keating raises his voice a bit to show his authority. “It’s just an experiment. Give It a go. Right, Charlie?”

Now, the attention is focused on them. Charlie stands up a bit, still flushing red and nods, encouragingly. 

“Will I pass after trying?”

“We’ll see,” Mr. Keating smiles. Charlie wants to comment on the situation, but the Professor quickly packs his belongings. “See you in the next lecture, Mr. Overstreet, student Dalton,” he waves them off. 

The room is empty, and suddenly very warm. The air is thick and sticks inside their lungs. Charlie looks up, again, just to meet Knox’ piercing stare. This time, the boy doesn’t hesitate and looks through the person as if he could read minds. It’s very intimidating, especially when the eyes are so devouring. 

“So you are this Charlie Dalton?” he asks, but it doesn’t seem like a question. “Okay, see ya, gonna add you on Instagram.”

The boy leaves. It makes Charlie’s head explode in intrusive thoughts. Still flushing red, the bag is thrown on their shoulder. ‘What did he mean by ‘this Charlie Dalton’?’, they think. Charlie waits two minutes before pushing the massive door to leave in fear of meeting Knox. It’s the first person that makes them feel that way. Charlie isn’t shy, not even nearly being shy, but the brown-haired boy with lovely eyes makes them blush in redness. The heart is still pounding at an awful pace. They put their palms onto the red cheeks to cool them down. It’s strange. 

What had just happened?

-

Charlie, very confused with the morning lecture, sits on the couch in the common space in the first year dormitory. They’re scrolling through social media, not very interested in the surroundings. It’s the first time that they really relax since the beginning of the day. On the same couch sits the other boy. Gerard Pitts is nearly the same height as Charlie is. He has short cut brown hair, bushy eyebrows and an honest smile. He’s rather shy, but always willing to help. Steven and Gerard are both majoring in engineering while Meeks takes extra courses due to his high ambition. They’re trying to make a working radio for one of the curses.

“Wait,” Steven smiles slightly. He pushes his thick glasses a bit up. “I think it’s working; we just need…”

“Oh god!” Charlie screams, nearly falling out the couch.

“Buddy, what’s going on?” Pitts looks really concerned, giving the person a hand. 

Charlie had received a notification that they have a new follower. It wouldn’t be something extraordinary, because the person has some following throughout the University, but the user is called ‘knox.overstreet’. They sit straight up, with Gerard’s help, on the red couch. Carefully, Charlie clicks on the profile, without following it. Knox has a few photos. Some of them are quite professional – Charlie learns that the boy is part of the photography campus club. Besides Knox, there’s a blonde girl, always prominently smiling. They both look very much in love. It gives Charlie an uncomfortable ick, for some reason. ‘God, Dalton,’ they think, ‘you’re only tutoring him.’ Charlie can’t help; a small blush creeps onto his cheeks. 

“Yeah, just the guy who I’m going to tutor followed me,” they said, pushing the phone into the back pocket of the black trousers. “How’s the radio working?” Charlie quickly changes the subject. 

“Emm.. okay,” Steven says, staring at Charlie blankly. “The radio needs only a change in…,” the long monologue of Meeks started, as usual. 

-

The literature department library is the best place to spend free time. At least, it’s a proud opinion of Charlie’s. The building is rather old, some of the desks should have been replaced years ago and the light from the laps is awfully yellow, but it has its unique atmosphere. Some of the books are honestly priceless. Accent, ragged covers with bleached pages and characteristic smell are their weakness. It should be considered strange for someone like Charlie, a person who parties every weekend and has a great sized friend group, to hang out in the library and read poetry. It doesn’t; it seems just right to them. 

It's been a week since the morning lecture. Knox had been followed back the next day; Charlie didn’t want to seem as being too bothered by it. They weren’t, were they? However, neither of them had messaged the other. Charlie had been about to forget it. If only the intrusive thoughts had stopped. Sometimes, they would’ve been chilling with friends, reading, studying or getting food, the picture of Knox’ posture would’ve popped inside their mind and it couldn’t have been thrown away. The thoughts make them chuckle a bit. Knox seems so mysterious – they think it’s the main factor of him being on Charlie’s mind. 

They’re sitting in the library, alone. Thursday evening is a great time to read obligatory ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ by Harper Lee. It is one of Charlie’s curriculum books that they need to go through. They can’t say they’re a big fan of it – it gives only a white person perspective. However, there’s a need to study it. The cover is nicely rough under touch and the pages are yellowish. The book is old; Charlie likes it. 

The phone, which sits inside their trousers back pocket, vibrates. 

‘Hey, I have to write a reflection of the tutoring session. Where can we meet?’ User ‘knox.overstreet’ texts them. 

Charlie tries to look unbothered; they place the book on the desk and text back. Their cheeks are slightly pink. ‘Okay, tomorrow, 6pm, freshman study room?’. 

‘No,’ the response is short. They frown their eyebrows. ‘I have reflection due midnight.’ 

‘Today?’

‘Yes.’

They don’t know what to respond. The heartbeat is accelerating, hands become sweaty and pupils are growing. 

‘???,’ they receive another message.

‘Okay, come to the lit library, you will find me,’ Charlie texts back, shutting down the phone.

They close their eyes, breathing sharply. To ‘Kill a Mockingbird’ is quickly forgotten. Even though they are staring at printed letters, nothing is actually read. It’s annoying; Charlie exchales hot air through the nostrils, nervously. It’s nearly embarrassing to feel that way. The time passes too rapidly. They don’t know what to expect. Besides brief conversation in the classroom, they both hadn’t had any opportunity to talk. Knox can act anything other than Charlie suspects. 

“Hi,” the soft voice is humming in the air. ‘Are you hanging out with the library by yourself? I didn’t know you were a nerd.’

Charlie looks up. Knox looks flushed: cheeks and ears red from running. There’s still no smile on his face. He doesn’t look displeased, though. 

“Hey,” Charlie doesn’t comment further on the nasty joke. 

Knox sits in front of them, taking out a notebook. It looks… sad. The cover is green, a little bit teared apart and dirty from the pen's refill. Charlie cringes at the sight, nervously gazing at his neatly looking notebooks, which are laying on the desk. 

“I need help with… em…,” he opens the ragged notebook. “’Brief reflection of Mary Shelley’s book, Frankenstein,’” Knox reads. 

“Wait, which year are you?”

“I am a junior.”

“Oh,” Charlie is surprised. Knox doesn’t look twenty-two. He certainly doesn’t behave that way. “I’m fresher. I haven’t covered it yet. Nevermind, let’s search it up on the internet.”

They work together, getting along pretty well. Sometimes, Charlie gives Knox suspecting glances, but the other doesn’t seem to notice any of them. Searching up information about Frankenstein isn’t as boring as Charlie would’ve thought – they like classical poetry very much, but the classical novels aren’t their favorite. The book itself seems interesting with prominent themes which are easy to describe. However, Knox looks very puzzled, not understanding what’s going on. His swooning eyes are following the text, but they don’t seem to be actually acknowledging it. Charlie has to dictate what to write because otherwise, the notes don’t make sense. 

“Get it?” Charlie asks. 

“Honestly, no.” 

“Okay, let’s do it once again.” 

Charlie feels comfortable with the new dynamic. It’s an area where they know they are safe. Literature had been a passion of theirs for a long time. Reading books as a kid Charlie had treated as a leisure and not necessity. They had had a massive bookshelf where they stored books from fantasy to romance, rereading pieces for a few times. Knox seems clearly otherwise – he stops being cocky and tilts his head to the right in confusion. Charlie finds it strangely cunning. 

“Thank you,” Knox says, packing the ugly green notebook to his bag. 

“No problem,” they say, looking at ‘To Kill a Mockingjay’ laying on the desk. They have to end it before tomorrow’s lecture. 

“See you, later,” he waves, looking quite happy. Charlie still doesn’t spot any sign of smile on his face. 

From the window, they can judge that nine o’clock had already passed. Charlie sighs, coming back to the book. It was a pleasurable evening, after all. 

-

The schedule was set: which day, where and what hour they meet. To Charlie’s surprise, it had been Knox who asked about the schematized plan. Charlie had learnt a lot: Knox hates reading from the old books but likes partying. He enjoys photography and film but doesn’t fancy any other artwork. His favorite band is some kind of niche indie band from the campus – strangely, they don’t even have a Spotify page, as if Charlie checked… Also, Knox is very much in love with his girlfriend, Chris. They are awfully sweet, at least it’s a way how Charlie describes it. He has to text Chris basically every hour and he does it from his free will. Often, they look at their phone, which gets significantly more notification, but none of them are from their soulmate. It makes Charlie upset. 

“You need to focus, ‘The Brothers Karamazov’ aren’t the easiest piece,” Charlie states, looking through the pages. Secretly, they read that book a few days ago, just in case the boy had some questions. 

Knox sighs blankly. His eyes are bruised with dark eyebags. However, the boy looks more relaxed in Charlie’s company, stretching his back a bit.

“Sorry, I had a terrible all-nighter yesterday. The photography club” Knox says, waving his right hand. “You know, man.” 

Charlie’s light smile suddenly drops down; his face doesn’t show any emotion. 

“Huh?”

“I don’t like gendered forms, if you shall,” their voice is low and tight. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Knox says, but the tone of his voice is sarcastic.

They can just nod, still feeling the nasty knot inside their heart. It isn’t what happens a lot – every friend of theirs is very understanding. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be Charlie’s friend. They learnt that cutting off toxic people is the best way to solve the social prejudice against them. However, Charlie can’t hold anything against people who apologize without making a scene. Even if the tone was displeased. Knox acted maturely, after all.

“Okay, let’s come back to the main theme,” they say, but till the end of the day, Charlie feels a bit down. 

-

Two months pass; spring is starting to approach the University with a brisk temperature and soft, delicate blooming nature. Charlie still prefers winter in its cold wildness, but the spring isn’t the worst of the seasons. The parties start to happen outdoors, very much to their pleasure, the pools are open. Not as if Charlie partied a lot, they lately find themselves more into reading for Knox. 

The tutoring sessions go as usual. Charlie isn’t intimidated by Knox anymore. The funny stomach feeling doesn’t stop, though. They allow themselves to laugh loudly, tell jokes and share anecdotes about the books. Knox, however, seems to like literature more. Sometimes, he reads more books than necessary for the unit or tries to write the whole essay by himself and only gives Charlie to check. It makes them smile – their passionate work somehow starts showing effects. 

Even if the improvement is great, they both don’t want to stop the sessions. Charlie treats it more like a friendly get-together than the obligatory work. Knox seems to enjoy it, too, still not smiling a lot. It’s very strange; ‘can this bloody boy start to smile a little?’, Charlie thinks. 

They had left the old library to study in the common space in the freshman building. It’s cozier and smells less like an old paper, which is one of Knox’ pet-peeves. 

“Oh,” Charlie laments, looking at four wooden tables. All are full of students, bowed on their books. “There’s no space for us.” 

“What will we do?” 

“I guess,” they make a pause to rethink the decision. “My room is the only option. Come on.” 

Charlie’s room is on the end of the corridor on the first floor. They have a view on the park; with good weather, they can even see the lake. Aprils’ trees look breathtaking in the springs’ afternoon sun. It’s a pretty decent dorm-room – the bed doesn’t squeak, and the wardrobe has both of the doors. Charlie decorated it by themselves, adding a couple of band posters or pictures with friends. There are three plants placed on the windowsill and a black ashtray with a pack of cigarettes next to it. The room looks like every other student’s dorm. 

They quickly get into the work. Charlie feels a bit exposed and vulnerable; their room isn’t the most visited place, even by their friends. They don’t spend a lot of time inside, significantly preferring the openness of the common or study room. 

Knox doesn’t seem to mind. He doesn’t even look around, sitting next to the desk with a light volume. ‘A Picture of Dorian Gray’ wouldn’t be Charlie’s first choice for third year students if they were a teacher. Mr. Keating must feel amazing, giving them LGBTQ+ classic novels. The Professor had already made read ‘The Price of Salt’s’ and ‘Rubyfruit Jungle’, which rightly are considered the gay novella classic. However, they enjoy every book that the Professor assigns to the higher grade. 

“The room looks normal,” Knox states. For the first time, he widely gives it a look. 

“Why wouldn’t it?” 

Charlie, confused, bites their pencil. 

“Emm.. I thought someone like you would have more eccentric room,” he leans back on the chair. “Or look different,” Knox looks up at the person. 

Their heartbeat stops. 

“Someone like me? I don’t get it,” Knox’ comment sounds so intrusive. They don’t like it. Their cheeks are flushed, not from nice interaction, but from the building inside rage. 

“You know, trans.”

Charlie raises both of their eyebrows, lips forming in the letter ‘O’. The heart stops its rapid pounding, very hurt by Knox’ tone. It sounded nearly accusing, as being transgender was something bad. Charlie had a rather nice opinion about the boy’s education – besides one incident, he was respectful. It’s a very displeasing change. 

“Knox, I,” they don’t even know how to form any sentence. “I think it’s enough for today.” The boy also frons his eyebrows, but Charlie doesn’t look at him, anymore. “I think the tutoring won’t be necessary for you.” 

“What? I need it because I won’t pass otherwise. What did I do?” Knox seems worried. Clearly not worried about the words that came out from his mouth. He’s only worried about the grade. 

“I’m sorry but I don’t care if you think about me that way. Why would I? It’s zero of the respect from you.”

The silence is awkward. Knox tries to have eye contact with the other, but there’s no use – Charlie had learnt before that if someone wasn’t educated about the respect, they couldn’t change it. The awful memory of their ex-girlfriend creeps inside their mind. She didn’t take Charlie’s coming out well, wanting to have a ‘normal boyfriend’. It was a clear end of their relationship. They obviously didn’t take Knox as someone so close to a romantic partner, but they expected at least minimal respect.

They had been too wounded by other ‘friends’. 

“Can you please leave?” Charlie asks. 

Quickly, the room is nearly empty – only one sad person sits by the desk, staring at the ragged cover of ‘A Picture of Dorian Grey’. 

-

The best way to cope with sadness is to drink. It’s not the healthiest way, though. They don’t care; they drink every weekend, so couple shots more don’t change anything. Charlie actually has started to get to know Knox better, like him more. The sudden turnout in their relationship wasn’t pleasant. It had been on the person’s mind for the whole week, giving them no time to breathe from it. 

At the big Friday’s party, Charlie’s drinks have more vodka than usual. 

They decided not to report Knox to Mr. Keating. The boy will have enough problems without their tutoring. They try not to make it personal, even though it was deeply personal. 

It’s already past ten o’clock. On Charlie’s face, there’s a drunk smile with fierce eyes. They’re sitting next to Steven, who is trying to pick up the girl from one of his labs, and the lovely couple. Neil and Todd had come to the University already in a strong relationship. Lovesick is emitting from their eyes as they stare at each other. Neil is a little bit taller than the other. He has a wide smile and fluffy, brown hair. Todd is shyer with angelic eyes and lovely posture. Charlie has befriended them by the beginning of the school year when they asked the couple if they could sit next to them at lunch. They didn’t have a lot of time to catch up past months so it’s a great opportunity to do so. 

Of course, poetry is the main topic. 

“Todd’s writing, again,” Neil states, clearly proud of his boyfriend. 

Charlie raises their eyebrows. Todd stopped writing, afraid of being judged. The charming smile of Charlie’s is even bigger – someone has the same passion as they have. It’s lovely. 

They feel like the couple moves a bit closer to them. 

“What kind?”

“Oh,” Todd giggles, his and Charlie’s tights are touching. “Sad ones,” the boy says, being certainly the drunkest from the three of them. 

Suddenly, Todd’s soft palm is on Charlie’s cheek. They move their head to meet the other’s piercing gaze. Todd’s angelic eyes look more devouring than ever before. He smells like cheap vodka, fruity cologne and Neil’s cigarettes. The room is hot; Charlie is certainly confused. They can’t help, the stomach funnily flips inside from the excitement. Todd is dangerously close. 

Charlie gives Neil a confused stare. The brown-haired boy only nods, smiling cheerfully. 

Todd’s soft lips are pressed onto theirs, pretty quickly. The kiss isn’t as Charlie likes. It’s fast, very deep from the beginning and messy. His lips taste like alcohol. They are too drunk to care, putting both of their hands-on Todd’s neck to pull the other closer. Charlie can’t stop thinking about the other person while Todd pushes more of his skinny body onto their lap. Todd and Knox smell different, though. 

Their lips very swollen and wet, part again. 

“Nice,” Neil looks very pleased. Charlie doesn’t mind the turnout. 

“Wow,” it’s the only thing that escapes from their mouth. Later, they are only smiling. 

Finally, their eyesight focus and their gaze meets Knox. The boy is standing a few meters away in the room. He's clothed in the tight jeans and band t-shirt, piercingly staring at Charlie. Something in Knox’ eyes is intruding. They smile at him, drunk and happy. The stomach makes a flip again – it’s different, for Todd it was purely physical; for Knox, they want more. However, neither Charlie, nor Knox make further moves. The boy quickly turns around, leaving the room. 

Strange. To celebrate their meeting, Charlie kisses Neil and two more girls this night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw // alcohol, internalized homophobia  
> please, if anything from above triggers you, don't read

Charlie sighs in pain. 

Their head is painfully noticeable from the hangover. The limbs are sore because of the uncomfortable position they are in; a funny tingle spreads across their body when their muscles move. Slowly, they open their dark eyes, looking around. Charlie lays on the sofa in the freshman common space. Next to them, there’s shirtless asleep Gerard on the floor, only with head popped onto the pillow. Light from the window is unbearably bright. It has to be past ten o’clock. 

“Water?” they hear and look up. Steven looks ragged, red locks are messy, eyes have big dark bags under, but happy with cheerful smile glued on his face. He misses the glasses, though. “You look terrible, buddy.” 

They accept the bottle, drinking a big gulp. It tastes amazing, healing sore throat.

“I think I had enough yesterday,” Charlie states. Their body slowly moves to a sitting position. “Did I kiss Todd?” Eyes suddenly widen in realization. It’s rather a rhetorical question but Steven feels a need to answer. 

“Yeah,” he sits next to them. “And Neil, Eleanor and one girl I don’t know.” 

Charlie’s mouth opens in surprise, but they don’t look embarrassed. 

“Best of both worlds,” they laugh, taking out the pack of cigarettes and the phone out of pocket. 

Steven only shrugs, leaning back on the couch. His eyes look longingly at still laying asleep Gerard. Charlie put his feet onto redhead’s lap, passing one cigarette to him. They both smoke in peace, enjoying the silence. They feel a bit better after the first one, the second round of cigarettes is passed; Charlie turns on their phone. 

The gigantic number of notifications appears on their lock screen. Most of them are Charlie being tagged on photos, some of them are messages. They also have two unanswered phone-calls from Gerard. 

“He had to go through something,” they pass the phone to Steven.

The boy laughs, his messy locks moving around. Cigarette’s smoke goes through his nose. He looks cute. 

“Oh, you have some messages from Knox.”

Charlie quickly takes his phone. Knox wasn’t on their mind the whole morning. Tiny flashbacks from yesterday appear in front of their eyes – the brown-haired boy saw them and Todd kissing. It shouldn’t make any difference, but for some reason, it does. They and Knox were only study-buddies for three months. 

“Look at you,” Steven comments on the person’s embarrassment. Charlie only closes their eyes and laughs. 

‘Hi, I want to apologize, I know what I said was wrong,' the first message had been sent before six o’clock, yesterday. It was time when Charlie started partying, so they didn’t get a chance to check the phone. “Are you at Cameron’s?’ The next one is from nine o’clock. ‘Oh, I didn’t know you had a boyfriend,’ it must have been sent after the kiss. ‘Two boyfriends,’ is delivered a few minutes after. 

Charlie is red from cheeks till ears. Suddenly, they’re embarrassed. The heart is pounding fast. Was Knox thinking about them? Does the kiss change something? Is he more disgusted after seeing it? A lot of questions cumulate in their head. The hangover is forgotten. 

‘Hey,’ they type. ‘Let’s meet up at 6PM, today, if you still want to.’ 

Charlie already regrets sending it.

-

It’s nearly dawn. Orange sun shines beautifully on the green leaves. The campus park looks finely wooden. Charlie would love to spend a couple of hours on the picnic blanket with a poetry in their hand. However, now, they wish they could be somewhere else. The fear of meeting Knox is great – they don’t have any expectations for the conversation, but it’d be nice to hear an apology. Charlie should meet up with the boy in less than five minutes. Their whole-body shakes – not from coldness, the evening is nicely warm, but from stress. Something has changed from the day before. 

“Charlie,” they hear the same low voice against their hair as they heard in the library months ago. Knox decided to come earlier, too. They turn around. “Hi.”

Knox’ brown hair is messy from wind, cheeks a bit flushed. He’s dressed in the Welton grey hoodie and skinny trousers. Charlie’s cheeks aren’t red from the temperature, but from the eye contact the other tries to hold. They can’t help it – his swooning eyes are too pretty to look away. 

“Hello.”

“I know what I did wrong,” he says. Charlie opens mouth in shock, it’s a strong start. “I had some delusional opinions about transgender people because of my upbringing. I know it’s not a way to excuse myself. I had a chance to educate myself before,” Knox makes a pause to see how the other reacts. They have a soft smile painted on the flushed face. The boy’s voice tastes like honey. “Now, I sincerely know what I said wrong and why I shouldn’t even think that way. It might not be enough for you to forgive me, but I want to let you know that I understand my stupidness.” 

“Knox, it’s okay,” Charlie can bet that they see a light smile on his face when they say Knox’ name. “It was important to me that you understood.”

“I very much do,” he continues, taking Charlie’s hand into his. They look even more flushed. Knox’ hands are soft, fingers a bit thicker than Charlie’s. His grip is firm; wrist slender. “I want you to tell me when I say something wrong or inappropriate, I am willing to learn.”

“Okay,” their voice is soft and shy. The contact between their palms is electric. Charlie feels their blood pounding in the veins. 

“As a cisgender man I want to improve my transphobic habits. Even if I don’t know which habits are rooted in transphobia. I want to acknowledge it,” their fingers are still inverted, it gives Charlie chills. “Firstly, how can I call you? I used ‘man’ to everyone, but I know it can trigger your gender identity.”

“Buddy, mate,” they smile. Knox is very comforting, the apology was really sciencere. “Or just Charlie.”

“Okay… buddy,” he laughs a bit. 

Their hands are no longer touching; Knox pulled them apart after the apology. However, the pleasant atmosphere doesn’t change. Charlie nearly feels like it’s a date. ‘It’s stupid to think that way, isn’t it?’ they think. They both walk by the lake, talking about Charlie’s gender identity – Knox seems more educated in his. Later, a lot of topics pass by, starting from the boy’s opinion on ‘A picture of Dorian Grey’ to football, which seem they both are interested in. 

It’s getting dark, the sun is hidden over the horizon – better for Charlie; their cheeks are still flushed. Knox makes them feel something unique, deeply inside their heart. Finally, they approach the freshman building. Charlie doesn’t want to end it. 

“Thank you, I had such a nice time,” they comment, standing next to the door. “I have one question, though.” Knox nods, looking interested: eyebrows raised and eyes widely open. “You seemed so educated while apologizing. What was the groundbreaker?”

“Oh,” he smiles. Charlie can’t be more surprised, it’s the first time they see him smiling. It’s like a sudden beam of sunlight illuminating the darkest corners of the street. Their heartbeat stops. “I talked about it with my girlfriend, Chris, she’s more educated than I am. You should meet her. You both will get along pretty well.” 

“Right,” Charlie says, quickly opening the door, panic raised in their veins. “Good-bye.”

“Bye.”

The door closes, Charlie is laying against it. ‘He smiled not to me,’ they think. ‘Knox smiled because he mentioned his girlfriend.’ Their eyes are closed, feeling a bit of tears under the eyelids. It’s utterly stupid, Charlie knows from the beginning that Knox is very much taken. There’s no use for it – their heart is already owned by him. Knox is too precious. 

-

Charlie is sad binge-watching Netflix series. They don’t go to parties, for some reason they’re feeling too down. It’s crazy how distinctly they cope with different types of sadness; Knox has been on their mind since the apology. It was two weeks ago. They met up twice for tutoring and once just to spend time together. Charlie couldn’t stop staring at the swooning eyes and strong hands. Knox has changed his behavior towards them – it has been all lovely. Charlie feels stupidly valid and lovesick. 

However, Friday’s night in the dorm-room is something completely uncommon. Normally, they would drink with Steven and Gerard, maybe Todd and Neil, too. They stay alone – everyone else is out. It’s even more upsetting. 

Suddenly, the phone rings. 

“Yes?” they answer. 

“Hi, Charlie,” it’s Knox, the voice honey-like and smoothing. A wide smile appears on their face. “Do you want to come over and play on PlayStation?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Twenty minutes later and nearly two miles by bike, Charlie is standing in front of the flat. Knox lives close to campus in the big building – it doesn’t look too approaching, but it must be cheaper than rent closer to the University. The parget is scraped a bit with graffiti on one side. They lock the bike and go inside, trying to look firm. 

Knox has the studio-apartment on the third floor. 

“Hey,” he says, opening the door. “I thought you would be out, partying.”

“I didn’t have mood for it this week,” it isn’t a complete lie, but Charlie feels bad for saying it, anyway. “Why didn’t you go partying?”

“The last party, three weeks ago, I had enough,” it’s the party when he saw Charlie kissing Todd, Neil and the two girls. “I don’t have a mood, either.”

Knox’ room looks toned. There are a few posters and pictures hanging. A television stays on the small table near the window. The lightning is bad, there are only three lamps: one hangs from the ceiling, the other stays on the kitchen cabinet and the last one is next to the couch – which appears to be also Knox’ bed. It looks very comfy, though; especially, the soft blanket. There’s a big cabinet in the corner with two cameras and a few lenses hidden inside. On the shelves, some photo-albums are placed. There is no plant inside, it bothers Charlie. 

The room is so simple, yet so extraordinary to them. The real appealing thing is the smell. Obviously, Knox’ place would smell like him. It’s the smell that lately Charlie worships too much. It’s fresh orange, mint, insides of the car and cleaning spray. 

“Wanna play Fifa?” 

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Charlie, a little bit distracted by cosy surroundings, smiles widely. It’s a moment when they forget that Knox actually has a girlfriend. “I haven’t played for a while, though.”

Charlie’s abilities are greater than Knox would ever have thought. They basically own the whole game. He’s destroyed barely after ten minutes. However, they both have a great laugh, spending lovely time together. Some breaks are made – to snack or to drink. Everyone gets a flavoured beer bottle in their hand. Charlie, also, lits a cigarette. The atmosphere is slow and nice. 

The night approaches; it’s completely dark outside.

“Mate! You did it once again!” Knox shouts after Charlie’s fifth win. 

“I’m always winning.” 

“Yeah, like the night you kissed four people,” he jokes.

Charlie’s cheeks are getting red. They aren’t embarrassed about it, but the thought that Knox remembers it makes them uncomfortable. ‘Why was he even looking?’ they think. 

“Nothing unusual,” they say. “Some parties are like that.”

“Yes?” Knox looks up from his beer bottle. His voice suddenly an octave lower, giving them cold chills. Charlie feels like they’re flirting. Obviously, they aren’t. Knox has a girlfriend, after all. “You like kissing when you’re pissed?” 

The room gets hot. They can’t hold eye contact; Knox’ eyes are more devouring than ever.

“I don’t mind that,” Charlie smiles a bit, drinking big gulp from the bottle. “I prefer being sober, better memories,” they feel safer, seeing Knox' light-hearted reaction. “People like kissing me. Being non-binary has its adventages, kissing me doesn’t make you any less of a heterosexual.”

Knox raises his eyebrow, but his emotions can’t be read. They think they went too far. 

The phone rings; the atmosphere changes instantly. It’s Chris. The first time Charlie is grateful to the girl – they wouldn’t hold it much longer without jumping into the boy’s arms. They might be smitten but not a dick. If Knox is dating someone, they will respect it, no matter how much of the strong will would it take. He doesn’t respond and hides the phone into a pocket.

“Let’s watch something. I don’t want to loose once again.”

Knox finds a movie on Netflix, moving close to the other. They are covered under one big blanket. The blanket itself smells like Knox which makes them shiver a bit. “You cold?” he asks. 

“No, don’t worry.”

The movie goes on. It’s not nearly as interesting as Knox’ focused eyes and relaxed face. Charlie tries not to stare, though. They aren’t a creep, are they? A guilt builds up a bit, but the light-headed state is too strong. The beer helps relaxing, too. Their eyelids start to be heavy, blanket too warm and couch too comfortable. They drift into sleep.

Charlie wakes up when the movie ends, the television is painfully bright. They feel something heavy on the shoulder. It’s certainly not ‘something’ but Knox, who’s clung onto Charlie, with head rested on the scapula. They don’t remember falling asleep in that position. The boy was sitting close, barely thighs touching, but not that close. Their flesh gets hot – as if Knox' touch is burning. The heart is nearly in their throat, pounding like crazy. They wish they could experience it without feeling guilty about Chris.

Nothing can be done; Charlie rests their head on the soft Knox’ hair, sniffing it lightly and falls asleep once again. 

-  
Hanging out together to play videogames starts to be a tradition. It’s been a month since the first one; the campus looks all green and warm in mid-May sun. Knox sleeping on Charlie’s shoulder while watching the movie, spreading his brown, soft hair all over their chest, is also very common. Charlie couldn’t help it – once they put their hand into the boy’s bush of hair to play with it. To their surprise, he didn’t shove them off, only cheerfully purring in pleasure. “That’s nice,” he said. When the next hang out took place, Knox placed himself in the same position as if inviting the other to do it again.

Charlie is lovesick. 

Knox is so sweet to them; it’s starting to be painful. They can only nod or smile, thinking that Chris must be the luckiest girl to experience it romantically. However, Knox doesn’t mention her as often as he used to. Besides being utterly cute, the boy loves to talk a lot and explore more. Charlie feels like the intelligent conversations are the death sentence for them – every moment with him is memorable. Knox, in his charismatic self, tells anecdotes about photography or the University football team. They wish they could bite even more of the boy. 

Charlie is cycling to his apartment, worried about the message Knox sent to them ten minutes ago. ‘Please, come over. I need you,’ they read, already rising to their feet to take the bike out. The warm May wind is in their hair, messing with it. Finally, they approach the flat. 

“Open,” Charlie hears Knox’ small voice when they knock on the door. 

The door is actually open. Charlie can see the other’s back as he’s doing something on the kitchen cabinet. He’s hunched a bit, not very Knox like. When the boy turns around, Charlie’s heart drops. His cheeks are flushed red, wet from tears and shine in the bad lightning. He looks very miserable. His strong hands are shaking a bit, their first reaction is to come closer and hug him. 

They embrace, tightly. 

“What happened?”

Charlie feels guilty because the warm feeling spreading inside their flesh shouldn’t appear. Their friend is in denial, they shouldn’t take selfish advantage of it. They’ve never hugged Knox before – the boy is sinking into them in need, snuffling. They hold tighter, pressing the other’s body as deep as it’s physically possible.

“I…” he starts, but another wave of wild tears approaches. It takes time for him to calm down, again. “I broke up with.. Chris.”

“What?” Charlie is very confused, but strangely relieved. Their heart suddenly feels lighter. The guilt is growing in them more rapidly, they shouldn’t be glad. 

Knox slowly breaks the hug. Their eyes meet. “It didn’t feel the same,” he states. “She was constantly mad at me because ‘I didn’t give her enough attention’. The relationship felt like a burden. A lot… a lot is going on.”

“Have you tried talking to her about it? Your feelings?” Charlie hates themselves for saying it, still holding on the boy’s elbows. It takes a lot of their willpower not to wipe his tears of the swollen cheeks. 

“Yes, it’s not working out. She’s… was,” tears are falling from watery eyes. “my girlfriend of two years.”

Knox proceeds to explain how they met, why he loved her and what was so extraordinary in her to stay that long. Charlie nods, trying to comfort him with a soft smile. The boy seems to feel lighter after pouring out his frustration. They make tea and give him a cigarette. 

“You want to go to the party, tomorrow?” He asks, holding the mug tightly. “With me.”

“Umm.. is it a good idea, though?”

Charlie is concerned – yes, they use alcohol as a way to forget and feel better but it’s not healthy. They don’t want Knox to make the same mistakes. 

“Please, I want it,” his eyes are watery and pleasing.

-

It’s set. The Friday’s night at Cameron’s is going great. The weather is fresh and nice, as if it knew that the best way to ease the post-breakup heart is a drunk game in the pool. Knox and Charlie are drinking more than usually – spicing their drinks with more vodka or whiskey than ever before. Their throats are sore from liquor, but drunk smiles stay on their faces. For some reason, Charlie thinks they’d be able to remember events from that night. Knox, even though he’s a little bit down, looks extremely handsome. He took extra care to look fine for the party. Charlie can’t stop eyeing him. 

“Another round?” Steven asks, holding a half empty bottle of vodka. 

The shots are passed. The music is loud, barely allowing any conversations. A lot of people are dancing but Charlie doesn’t even seem to notice it. Their eyes are shamelessly glued into drunk Knox who just takes another shot from Steven. They miss the round. 

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he says. “Steven Meeks.”

“Yeah, Charlie,” Knox smiles. Butterflies burst inside their stomach. “mentioned you a few times. Knox Overstreet.”

They shake their hands. Charlie wants to laugh so badly; it seems too official. They talk a bit, but Steven finds himself a new object of interest and leaves them alone. Charlie would expect a bit of an awkward silence, but Knox doesn’t let that happen. 

“God, I love Gorillaz,” he comments, bouncing a bit in the rhythm of a song. His drink is a bit spilled on the kitchen cabinet. “Wanna go dance?”

“Sure,” Charlie smiles a bit. 

The dance floor – or rather Cameron’s living room isn’t so big, people are crowding. They both don’t seem to care about it, instantly dancing and laughing. Knox’ moves are certainly smoother than Charlie’s. However, they feel free, as if they could do anything, smiling prominently. Their body is long, towering over the people – they have great opportunity to stare barefaced at the other. ‘God, he’s so beautiful,’ they think. Mostly, Charlie doesn’t recognize the songs, but Knox gets the vibe, so they just follow him. The songs switch fast, time rushes; everything feels so unreal. They’re so happy. 

The room gets even more crowded, or just Charlie feels like it because Knox is dangerously close. They can feel his chest touching their back. His smell is everywhere, now it tastes more like vodka than ever before. It gets really hot. Their mind is fogged with intimacy. Red Hot Chili Peppers is playing. A small touch creeps on their hips. They stop dancing, confused. Everything happens so quickly. The hands on them are definitely Knox’: confident grip with long fingers. Charlie’s heart is pounding; they’re nearly to faint. 

They don’t want to change anything, going along with it. Knox holds them more firmly, clearly showing his appearance there. The boy knows what he’s doing – making it seem like it’s on purpose. He breathes heavily. Charlie’s head is laid on Knox’ shoulder, exposing their throat. It feels amazing; their mind is in a light-headed state. 

They dance, dance and dance, for hours. Charlie doesn’t want to stop. Knox being truly affectionate towards them is the best thing that happened in months. 

-

The next morning is bad. Charlie throws up twice. Steven or Gerard are nowhere to be seen, lost probably still at Cameron’s. Charlie swears under the breath – they can’t be truly mad at the others. One boy, who has never spoken to them before, gives them water, even though he looks as miserable as they do. He’s blonde and has a noteworthy tiny body. 

“Thanks... ee…”

“Stick.”

“Right, thank you,” Charlie thinks he’s playing with them. Their head is too ragged to care. 

Another problem arises. Knox hasn’t texted them as he usually does. The boy has a habit to text Charlie after every party to check if they’re fine. Now, they haven’t got any messages or calls. Charlie is still excited from yesterday's interaction. Their cheeks get red, heart stops, and a smile can’t get off their face, when they think about it. It feels as if Knox’ hands were still on their hips, helping them sway to the rhythm. 

It starts to worry Charlie – they still don’t get any sign from Knox; it’s been three days. When the message is delivered, it’s dry and curt. 

They are set up for the tutoring. The six o’clock approaches, they are nervous. Knox doesn’t act himself. ‘Was the dance too much?’ they ask in the mind. ‘He started; I just went along.’ It’s confusing, making their heart break. A lot of intrusive thoughts creep into their head. 

“Hi,” Knox says, opening the door to Charlie’s room. 

“Hello.”

They don’t talk about the party. The extreme guilt is growing in Charlie’s insides. Knox doesn’t even want to hold eye contact. His eyes don’t sparkle at their sight, trying not to even look at them. Charlie is embarrassed – for theirs and his behavior. Their hands are getting sweaty, trembling a bit. Anxiety is sky-rocking. 

“Knox,” finally they have the courage to speak up. 

“What?” it’s painfully curt. 

“Can we talk about what happened?”

“What do you mean? Nothing happened,” his eyebrows are frowned, but eyes still are focused on a book. 

“If nothing happened, why are you acting like this?”

Knox stands up. 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says, taking the book and the green notebook to his hand. “Something actually happened, but no one can know it. You’re not going to tell anyone, right?”

“What, Knox? What are you talking about?” Now, Charlie is the confused one. They’re truly confused. 

“I’m not… I’m not like you,” the words escape his mouth. They stare in shock, heart already in pieces. “I’m sorry.”

Knox quickly leaves room. Now, the real tears escape from their eyes. They’re nearly choking on them, face in the hands. The immense guilt is bombarding their insides. They could’ve moved from the touch days ago, clearly knowing that Knox isn’t interested in them the same as they are in him. It’s always their fault. 

-

Charlie still isn’t over it. They haven’t seen Knox since; it’s been two weeks. Hot July weather is beaming from the window, as they sit on the bed with Steven. The redhead was very understanding from the beginning, clearly stating that he thought they were on a date at the party, judging by Knox' behavior. It didn’t help – Charlie just has to forget. It’s their very first heartbreak in the University; the most painful one in their dating history. 

They don’t have strength to study for the exams; they’re going to pass them on the flying colors, though, the whole year they have been in strict ‘TOP5’ of the class. Even favorite curses don’t make them feel better.

Steven is playing with their hair, as they both watch some romantic series on Netflix. They are covered under ‘The emotional support Blanket’ as Meeks likes to call it. The boy proposed going out this day, but Charlie quickly shoved him off, saying they don’t have mood for it. Steven, being such a good friend, decided to stay another day in. It’s also heartbreaking to him, seeing his friend going through such a sad moment. 

They hear knocking. 

“Yes,” says Charlie, stopping the episode. 

“May I come in?” the voice – sweet like honey, deep and uncertain. It’s Knox. 

Charlie looks up to meet Steven’s gaze. The boy nods.

“Come in.”

Knox opens the door. He doesn’t look fine, though. His eyes are still beautifully swooning but puffy, as if the boy cried a lot. His stance doesn’t look firm – he looks rather scared. Charlie holds their breath.

“I’m gonna leave you lot alone,” Steven says, standing up. It forces Charlie to sit properly. 

Their gazes meet, cheeks are flushed. Knox sits on the bed, keeping the distance. His posture is slumped. 

“I’m sorry about what I said.”

“You apologized before, I understood you were sorry. Happening again? I don’t think we can be friends again. It hurts, you know?” Charlie has already tears in their eyes. 

“The party… when we danced,” his voice is breaking. The tears also approach his eyes. “I was confused. I thought it was your fault, it isn’t obviously,” he exhales sharply. “I talked to Chris.”

Charlie opens their mouth, looking confused but intrigued. Their heart wants to be mad at Knox so badly, but the boy is too miserable. 

“No, no in the way you think right now. Apparently, she already knew I wasn’t as.. straight as I thought I’ve been.” 

“What do you mean?” Their heartbeat rapids. The hands are gripping the blanket tightly, as if it’d be a shield against Knox. 

“I liked it. I liked how close we were.”

The confession is sincere. Their mind goes crazy, pupils growing bigger. Charlie crawls a bit closer to Knox, their knees are touching. They are about to lose it and ask more questions. The sad and miserable days are forgotten. Charlie shouldn’t be so naïve. 

“Me too,” their voice is soft. 

“I realized my actions towards you might not be completely friendly.” 

Charlie smiles, nodding. Even their eyes are happy – wrinkling in the corners. Knox does smile, too: mischievous, wide and true. 

“I acted like Maurice a bit.” It’s a reference to the one of the first books they read together, ‘Maurice’ by E.M Foster. The main character, Maurice was in love with his dearest college friend but refused to believe in it till it was too late. It can’t be the same with them, right?

“Oh,” Charlie gets back their confidence. Literature was always their boost. “Stop acting like this, just kiss me,” they run tongue over their lips. “Please.” 

It happens. Knox’ lips are lightly pressed onto Charlie’s. The kiss is exactly as they like: gentle from the beginning, slow, but with a great confidence. Knox clearly is leading it, putting his hands-on Charlie’s neck to hold them closer. Their insides burn painfully from excitement, eyes are closed but pupils under the eyelids are growing big. Knox’ touch is setting their skin on fire. It feels nearly surreal. 

They have to part, lacking the breath. 

“Charlie,” he smiles even wider than before, eyes sparkling. His tone is flirtatious. “Would you go on a date with me?” 

“Yes, but only…” they bite their lips. Knox looks intruded. “Only if you ask me to be your partner.”

“I very much will,” he says and they kiss again. And again. And again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!! my twt is @ RLUP1N !


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